Things I meant, but didn’t say

Beatrice Preti is an R2 in internal medicine at the Queen's University.

 

 


There were things I meant, but didn’t say
As I heard your heartbeat fade away
My stethoscope was on your chest
When you drifted off to eternal rest
I’d spent the whole night by your side
There was nothing left we hadn’t tried
But the drugs and tubes and shocks and lines
Bought you little extra time
Your path was clear right from the start
I had no cure for your sick heart
Yet you asked me to try, so I did my best
But, despite our efforts, things progressed
When the new dawn broke, your life did, too,
You never heard what I said to you
How I begged forgiveness, my quiet prayers,
You stared straight ahead, as if I weren’t there
Close to the end, you’d opened your eyes
Looked up with desperation, as if the skies
Would rain down mercy for your plight
But no salvation came on that fateful night

This was never our initial plan
We’d all seemed to understand
That you were dying and wanted peace
A soft and gentle, graceful release
But as your time was drawing near
You changed your mind. That much was clear.
You told me you were afraid to die
I said I’d help, but that was a lie
I didn’t share my other thoughts
That tied my stomach and heart in knots
I knew then that it was too late
Yet I donned my gloves, and fought with fate
I wrote the orders, increased the dose,
Pulled up a chair so I could be close
You had no family to stand by your side
Your rocky end was a solo ride
As the night grew thin, your breaths grew shallow
Your once-ruddy face turned blank and sallow
I never said I was sorry to you
By the time I could say it, the end was through
The dawn broke cruelly on the brand-new day
And all the things I meant, but didn’t say